Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
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