I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
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