Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Eww. Jon Gosselin got both his ears pierced.
He looks like a bad one night stand.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
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