My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Dicks are not precious.
Randomize
