We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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