I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
