What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Randomize
