$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Randomize
