dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize
