this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
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