it wasn't lemon gatorade
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
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