Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
