my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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