Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
it glows. i had to have it.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
