I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Randomize
