I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
I just heard these 2 kids from flint and Detroit arguing over whose economy is worse... It's really sad what passes for competition in Michigan these days
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
