and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
Threesome in a minivan. New low
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
