I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
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