Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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