Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Randomize
