remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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