Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
Dignity is for republicans.
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
Randomize
