Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
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