Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
