I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
farters have to be the big spoon...
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Randomize
