Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
dude this 15 year old girl saw our youtube vid and just facebook messaged me saying i was verry verry pretty. i have no schemas for how to respond to this situation.
woah 15?
i know! what is this dateline?
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
Randomize
