i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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