FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
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