sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
