Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Randomize
