Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
