I think it's safe to say that I made out with the entire msu campus this weekend
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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