I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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