I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Randomize
