What you up to?
Having coffee. Getting eyefucked. Eyefucking.
Full throttle
Some guys are relationship guys. Not our niche.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
