I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Randomize
