Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Randomize
