she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
