There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Randomize
