Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize