I think i peed on brittanys purse
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
