i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
Randomize
