We're like a lot better than the average bears
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I have so many feelings about this burrito
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
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