Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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