I think I just saw someone hide a body.
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
