am i morally bankrupt?
no. its just the recession
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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