If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Randomize
