I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
home. puking in laundry basket.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
