I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
