I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
