Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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