I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Randomize
