I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize
