I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
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