I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
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