You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Randomize
