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he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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