I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
