I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
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