Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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