I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
