So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
