So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
