I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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