Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
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