i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
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