Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
