A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
So you maybe wanna hang out again? I could use the $5
Whatever I can do to help stimulate the economy
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
