Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
