i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
